Doubts

Jesus warns against being a double minded man. One would think that stepping onto a new path would be the biggest source of fear. For me, there has always been the rush of the new, the unexplored. My pastor sometimes points this out to me as in the time he has known me, my sources of income have swung wildly from minature silhouette artist to my current occupation of a teacher with hopes of becoming a school administrator. Being a rut type person, he has never understood my inclination to give up a perfectly satisfactory job in pursuit of new dreams. I can't say I fully understand the drive myself.

It has taken great effort for me to remain in my current position for the four years I've been there. Some would say I cheated because after two years of teaching with my district, I began my administrative degree. It is the same technique I employed as a professional baker. Slightly new focus means I still have the challenge of the new without completely tossing the huge emotional and financial investment of getting to that point. At this stage of my life, I'm trying to be gentle with myself and accept the reality of my tendency to wander while recognizing there is also value in consistency.

That being said, as soon as I published my first post to this blog, the doubts poured out like an unexpected spring shower. What was I thinking? It is one thing to journal; it is a completely different thing to allow the world to view the experiment. Perhaps I had misjudged that gentle nudge to do this. After all, I am not a theological giant. Nor do I boast the persuasive ability to move the masses into choosing Christ. I am simply a girl with a story to tell. A story that breaks the heart while hopefully illuminating the cross. It is with that thought that my doubts faded. This is not an ego boosting venture. It is my feeble attempts to bear witness of the amazing grace I continue to partake of on a daily basis.

Perhaps once the story is told, I will once again chase after the nooks and crannies of life. Perhaps I will find the restlessness gone once the pent up emotion is loosed. From this vantage, it is impossible to tell. What I do know, is that we all share the battle between doubt and hope. It is my hope that you read, that you will find that the courage to step into that place of obedience is right there within your grasp. Reach out for it and ACCEPT His grace for the travels.