You know, it is funny how we get all prepared to walk into things and then find ourselves far away from the original destination. I started this blog to motivate myself to tell my story. I've mentally started beginnings over a dozen times. I'm still looking for that nice, neat entrance to a messy, eccentric tale. Just about the time I realized that I would never find that elusive entrance and that I just needed to begin, I was knocked completely flat by the flu.
I am highly stubborn and a tad independent....well, tad might be an understatement. I don't do well in situations where I can't depend on skill, intellect, or sheer bullheadedness to make it through difficulties. The problem with that approach, as you may well know, is that it is entirely contrary to the call upon my life. My Father calls me to rest, to abide in Him, to let go of my right to rights, and to be gentle as doves. I wish desperately that I could once and for all trust His leading completely. After all, His guidance has proven both kind and wise in the past. However, those places within me that fight tooth and nail against trusting wage battles left and right. Instead, ground is won in my life parcel by parcel, foot by foot. It is a slow, laborious process, yet I can see that I'm not the same person this year as I was last. I can see places where the battle has been won, and that gives me hope.
That being said, when I was knocked down by the flu a week and a half ago, I was not only unhappy that I was sick, but angry that I needed the help of my family for incredibly simple tasks. I knew from my bout with pneumonia last year, that my body did not share my philosophy of pressing on despite indications that the opposite approach was warranted. I did learn from that experience and stayed in bed. Truth be told, I'm sure if I could have managed to hold my head up longer than a few measely minutes, I would have found some way to grade papers or organize a lesson of some sort. I simply didn't have the energy to do anything.
My family was a great help and support during this time, as they always are. My problem was that I was still stewing over the fact that I had had to accept that help and support. You see, in my life, I give the help and support. I don't really know how to receive very well. I know it seems odd, but nevertheless, that is one of the struggles I face. The reasons for that are dancing around in my head even as I type.
Ultimately, the reasons and causes become just a backdrop for the main dance of original sin. Mankind....I....want to live independent from God. What we know, regardless of pain level, is easier to accept than giving up the wads of filthy, tattered rags for the hope and promise of what is to come. If you are like me, where hope and promises have been shattered over and over by those around you as you've reached each stage of life, that is the scariest prospect of all.
I know my Father is very patient with me. His love astounds me on a daily basis. For those who can't seem to understand how I can know Him intimately and yet still fear, all I can say is I can only the walk the life I've been given, and it is where I am. It is my hope to reach a place where those doubts and fears no longer exist this side of Heaven. If I fail to see that reality, I know when I am in His presence, all remaining fears will dissapate.
Isn't it great to know that no matter what the struggle is, He is big enough to handle it? What an amazing God we serve!
