Funny how I reached a place where I honestly believed I had an acceptable measure of patience developed. It wasn't perfect, but then again, whose is? God has a way of taking out the spiritual spade and digging in further. No, my patience is very, very shallow.
When Bruce was laid off from Dallas ISD, I was nervous, but thought I could accept the change as a clear leading into something new. Though I still believe that, the lack of clear direction into that "New and Improved" version of life has revealed that I really haven't let go of the steering wheel just quite yet. As long as the money held out and the plan included a reduced, but somewhat comfortable lifestyle, then I was more than willing to go along for the ride.
Now that we've had to step further and further into the corner with no clear escape path; however, the emotions stir more frequently. I still believe deep in my heart that my Father has plans for us and He knows best. I grieve, though, wondering what it will cost to get there. I realize I do love some things in this life a little more than I should. I've grasped rather than held with an open palm. It is easy to say that we value people and relationship over things until you have to come face to face with the reality of losing what you've worked so hard to obtain. Now, I have begun the grieving and letting go process that is necessary.
My security in a health plan, in a house, in having tools of the trade, in my education, or even a full pantry are all on the line. Will my father be able to care for my health issues without insurance? Yes, of course. It is so much easier, though, to say the words than to step into the first day without coverage. It was so much easier to hope in a future while I was studying than to have a diploma in hand and no opportunities to use it. I can say that I know my degree was in God's timing, but again, when all you see is the wilderness, it is only by remembering God's faithfulness to His people that I can maintain that hope. It both saddens and encourages me. Yes, God will be faithful. He always is. That doesn't mean he will be fast about revealing his plan and purpose. That doesn't mean we will come out on the other side with anything other than his sustaining power. Those are scary thoughts and calming ones all at the same time.
Yes, I am beginning to grieve. My prayer during the process is that my hope remains focused on HIM and not on any of the things that I've enjoyed. I can't say I am looking forward to this stage of the journey, but if it makes me move in closer relationship to my Father, then I am looking forward to walking in step with Him. Once the process is complete, it is my prayer that I maintain a light hold on the things of this earth.
